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Veritas771
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Name: Abbie
Gender: Female
Interests: God, simple mechanics, art, English, Spider-Man, Lord of the Rings, music, reading
Expertise: Procrastination, being nit-picky
Occupation: Student
Message: message me
Website: visit my website
Member Since:
6/19/2006
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| Wow, it's been a bit, hasn't it. I haven't posted in a long, long time. August 6th.
Well, the month I went back wasn't as bad as I thought it might be. I survived (obviously). I don't like it, though - there was an unintended consequence: Vendea hasn't gone back either, and probably part of why is because she'd have to walk by herself. ::looks in vain for a ::headdesk:: smiley::
I don't think anything interesting happened in October, except my brother turned 12, which I don't think we were supposed to allow ...
November was very interesting. For one thing, I attempted and completed (yay!) NaNoWriMo (Google it, if you don't know what it is - I'm not in a mood for explanations).
Somewhere in there Daddy got a second job at K-Mart, and for a while Mom had a job at Wal-Mart, but she had to quit because of her knee. Other than that, she's been doing well.
Gramma P. has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's. That is going to make so many things so interesting. Erg.
I am still 'addicted' to both (fluff)Friends and fanfiction (nope, haven't conquered the latter), but neither is as severe as they used to be (meh, can I really say that? I'm writing a rather long piece of fanfic right now ... hmm).
I hate this sometimes. I was going to write something, but instead of leaving it in, I edited it all out. I can't be honest even here.
I may have survived thus far, but life still sucks.
llap
A.J.
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| I told her I'd do it.
::face, meet desk - WHAM::
Now that I've agreed to do it, I have to tell her that, no, I don't want to come back for a whole year. I want to do the job for the month, then LEAVE. Skedaddle. Vamoose. Bye-bye.
But if I tell her that, she'll want to know why. ::sigh::
Which is another problem. I mean, how do you tell someone, "well, um, actually, part of the
reason I didn't want to come back in the first place is because ...
well ... I work with you"? I don't think it's possible to tell someone
something with the least smidgen of politeness. Either you don't say
it, or you say it to their face. I'm not saying that to her face.
I don't hate her. But I have to listen to her, answer her questions about how I'm doing (depressed, yet stressed and tightly wound ... you know, all the usual stuff), what I've been doing (basically nothing except dreading this day), what I'm planning on doing (I plan on going on dreading coming here until summer comes and I can say fare thee well, I'm never coming back!!! Other than that, I have as much of a clue as I did last week - absolutely none, thanks for reminding me of my current pointlessness in life except as an object of humor to certain persons), how my mom's doing (in a nutshell, just as fan-tas-tic as usual), how the weather is by us (I've been too involved with the computer to be sure, so I stammer around, trying to remember and ending up sounding like an idiot) ... can you tell how much I enjoy it?
And it isn't just her. I mean ... some of the stuff that's happened there ... and the attitudes of people ... I just don't like it there. I feel like I'm always defending things there. My sisters, my brother, my mom's health choices, my family's choices as regards spiritual issues. I don't know if it's timidity or it just makes me uncomfortable, but I don't like defending people or things. If we're doing it, why can't that be enough for others? Must they always ask "why?"? "Why does your sister act like that?" "Why did your sister leave college?" "Why doesn't your brother come every week?" "Why do you do that?" "Why doesn't your mom do such-and-such?"
Every now and then I just want to yell at the top of my lungs, Will you people just leave us alone?!
ARG.
I do not like debates. I do not like arguments. And I don't like people acting like what we do is wrong. They don't know our full reasons. They don't know the thought processes behind the decisions we make.
I guess I expect too much of people. But it irritates me. Especially since I don't know whether I'm right or wrong to be irritated. I mean, maybe people should question our decisions ... maybe people should ask why Arin left college, or why Vendea acts the way she does.
Or maybe not. Is it their business?
Another reason I don't want to go back is I get worked up every night as we're leaving. Last year, without meaning to be annoying, I asked my parents every night we went, "Do I have to go?" I dreaded it leading up to that night, I survived through the night, and came home late feeling a little more bitter and a little more ill-used. Because, you know, I live to be taken for granted and ignored.
::sigh:: But how do you tell someone that? How do you tell them that you'd rather have a broken leg than be in their company? She probably gets taken for granted more than she ought, but at least she isn't chained (metaphorically speaking) to a table. It's not just her company, though, it's all the 3rd-6th graders that go along with it. The ones whose names I can never remember. The ones who I can never remember where they're supposed to go. The ones that I feel nervous around despite being SIX. TO. EIGHT. FLIPPING. YEARS. OLDER.
Whenever I go there, it's like someone turned my tongue to "Stammer". "Um, well, you go down, um, that hallway and um, when you get to the, uh, end, uh, you turn, um, uh, right -- yeah, right, you turn right, and then go down to the, um, end." I just love sounding like an idiot for a whole night, and I love it more when I sound like an idiot to a ten year old. I sound like an idiot enough when I'm at home - I don't like having a job that make me sound like one on a regular basis. Especially when the person you work with teases you about things, in that frustrating way where you know they aren't trying to be mean, but are succeeding anyway, but you can't tell them because they don't mean it that way.
And I haven't mentioned yet that I don't even get paid. Not in this life, anyway. And I complain enough that I figure I probably won't get paid in the next life, either.
Sometimes, life really sucks.
~llap
A.J.
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| Last day of Laer. Whoop.
I have come to the conclusion that one of the most frustrating things in the world is making the decision that what you should do, but don't have or want to do, is what you will do. I've been procrastinating and not writing an e-mail that I know I should write.
Someone wants me to volunteer to do a job that I really dislike. She can't do it because she'll be recovering from surgery. I can do it, and I should do it, and I think I will do it, but I haven't made myself tell her yet because I do. Not. Want. To. I would almost rather have the flu than do this job. There are others who can do this job, but she trusts me and, apparently, I'm the most experienced at it. Other than her, of course.
The worst part of it is, I don't know how much I'm going to have to do. I may have to do only parts of it, but I might have to do all of it. That's why I don't want to do it. I HATE the part of the job that I may or may not have to do. I don't know ... so I've procrastinated ... and procrastinated ... and procrastinated some more.
I'd be giving up one night a week for a month. It's a long drive from here to there. And it takes out a good chunk of each evening. When I left last year I thought, "thank HEAVENS I'm DONE with this." And now I ought to go back, and do it again. For what will probably be the busiest month of the year.
I'm eighteen, so I have to make this decision on my own. I could wimp out. But I don't know if I could bear myself if I didn't. On the other hand, I dread it. I do not want to do this. I disliked it when I didn't have to do the whole thing. If I have to do the whole thing ...
But other than the fact that I hate it, I have no reason not to do it.
I think I'm going to cry with frustration ... ::hits head on desk::
~llap
A.J.
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| Or, I'm alive?!
Wow! I survived! My party, I'm used to my spare pair of glasses ... funny how in retrospect, all of those flimsy things concerned me ...
My dress was done in time for the party (whew), and I'm re-hemming it now.
On facebook, I've become semi-addicted to (fluff)Friends. Currently I'm on a quest for more LG so I can buy butterflyes. Fun fun fun.
I suppose I should take it as a hint that I've been on the computer too much when I finish visiting forums, answering e-mails, and find myself wondering where all my computer occupations have gone. I feel like I should be doing something while I'm on the internet. Of course, I do things like write entries on a probably rarely visited weblog ... (xanga really needs to add a eye-rolling smiley).
~llap
A.J.
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| So, my graduation dress isn't finished even yet, my graduation party is in about two weeks, I still need to make invitations and hand them out this Sunday, I've been meaning to send a letter but haven't even gotten to writing it yet, this is the first time I've been on the computer in five days, Mum is doing okay but hasn't been sleeping well, I lost a lense from my glasses, have no clue where it went, and am wearing my spare pair, Grandma has Alzheimer's, I'm supposed to be painting but am feeling very inferior to even my 9 year old brother ...
STRESS?? WHERE???
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